Updated: Apr 13
I can't think of a single woman not guilty of chasing some guy once upon a time. I know I've been there and it got me a heartache instead of the guy. It took me some life experiences to realize that we as women tend to make tons of mistakes that in the end are a complete turn-off for men. I'm happy to say that I have been with my husband for 15 years and after all this time I still need to keep him on his toes. I recently read a book called 'Never Chase Men Again' by Bruce Bryans just because I was curious about the mistakes I made in the past and to validate all the things I'm doing right to keep my marriage alive. Here are some highlights I want to share with you:
Learn to identify the cycle of behavior you constantly use in relationships. And be honest with yourself because this approach will help you identify the mistakes you're making in your approach.
Are you jumping too soon? The famous meme 'let me catch feelings first before you get mad at something' never felt more real. So slow down a bit.
Are you playing too hard to get? Balance is everything and if you're overdoing it men could be getting the wrong signal--like you're not interested.
Focus on you! Remember you are a CHICK--a Confident, Hip, In Control Knockout. When you focus on yourself you develop confidence, self respect and will be able to establish your own boundaries so that will make it easier to avoid guys just looking for a good time (Mr. Right Now) and help you identify Mr. Right.
Love yourself first of all! I know you've heard this before, but it is a fundamental truth and if you love yourself and know your worth you will be able to separate the men from the boys and stop wasting your time with someone who'll never give you what you want! Remember that a guy has to be able to take you seriously to consider a relationship with you, and that my dear, comes down to self-worth.
About self-worth, it's reflected in your confidence and a woman who is confident is sexy as hell. But that means consistency. You can't try to appear confident and then let a low-life take advantage of you. Don't let him play games with your heart, your body, your time or your mind. If you think he's using you, he probably is.
Did you know? Studies consistently show a correlation between confidence and how attractive someone is perceived to be by others.
Quit playing games. A quality guy doesn't fall for a woman playing games. Men tend to work with what they see in front of them. They will take things at face value. There is a big difference between making him chase just enough and showing you're just not interested. Game playing is for women who lack self respect (ouch). Quality men love a woman who is strong, independent and know their own minds.
So, how do you make him chase you just enough?
Never be too available--make plans of your own and if he calls asking you to do something together be strong enough to say 'next time, I have plans already'.
Never text first--if you're the one doing all the texting and calling, you won't know if he actually likes you or he's just replying to your text/call.
Always call rather than text--calling is far classier, shows confidence and helps you develop a stronger connection.
What types of men are you going for? Do you always go for the right type of man? If so that's the type of man you need to avoid, sis! We as women tend to stick to the same type of guys, but here is a game changer: trying different hobbies and visiting places you wouldn't regularly go to is a great way to meet men you would have never set eyes on otherwise.
The past must stay in the past. Your dating details and list of exes need to stay way back there. If you talk about your ex you may be showing the new prospect that you're not over him, or if you speak of him in a derogatory manner it will put a bad taste in his mouth. Remember babe, the way you speak of your ex will come across as a reflection of you.
Be flexible, you're just starting to date! Dating can me a bit chaotic at times and while it's healthy to have boundaries you cannot be this rigid bitch who goes around offering ultimatums. Go with the flow, and understand that dates can be cancelled and reargued sometimes, but if he's doing this all the time it's best to let him know the only woman who can deal with this is his momma.
One of the worst things you can do in early dating? Start acting cold or aloof with a guy who cancelled one date with short notice. If this bothers you that much, then don't go out on a date with him again, otherwise have a glass of wine before you leave the house, relax and go on and have a good time.
No real man has 'commitment issues'. Let that sink in, sis. If a guy is telling you this what it really means is that he isn't looking for anything serious and he's keeping his options open. Don't stick around waiting to see if he has a change of heart. If he wants you, he will show you how committed he can be.
If a man tells you he has a commitment problem, nine times out of ten it simply means that he has a problem committing to you.
Don't stop being who you are because of him! Girls, I cannot stress this enough! He met you the way you are and will fall in love with who you are. Do not give up you interests, passions or sense of style to keep him. He he wants you in his life, he will embrace all of you! And I speak with conviction about this one. My husband loves me for me! I am a little crazy, animated, spontaneous, wear my skirts a little too short, still, but he takes me as I am and that is the reason I am still happy in my marriage 15 years later!
Is he hiding you or you feel like he is? Then he probably is. If he's hiding your relationship it means you're not that important to him. He should be proud to show you off to his circle and even his family, although it may actually take him 1o dates before he takes you to meet his parents. You also need to assess how he behaves with you when there isn't much of a chance to get in on in the poom-poom room. This speaks volumes!!!
Falling into the trap of 'sameness' and the author goes on to say that it's straight up boring when a woman always wears the same type of clothes, makeup, hair style, etc. So what that means is to find your 'inner vixen'. Sometimes that calls for dressing sexy, or like a bad mofo executive or being cute and simple and even relaxed with workout clothes and a hair up in a ponytail. Change is fun and it's healthy so dare to spice things up a bit. I've always said that I like to dress for myself, and although I'm still working on loving my body completely I'm always grateful for the things it allows me to do and I give it the proper thanks after a fun, spiritual yoga session.
Stop talking about the things you don't like about yourself! You're making them more real and pointing them out to your partner. Practice affirmations, they help a great deal. Here are some to get you started
Far too many men make excuses about not being ready for a relationship or they say they just don't have the time. A real quality guy won't be making these excuses so DO NOT sit around and wait for a man to be ready. If he's not ready when you meet him, and isn't showing the signs of wanting a solid relationship with you after dating a reasonable amount of time, he's wasting your time.
So I have a little homework for you that the author gives us in his book:
Write a list of your positive qualities and focus on strengthening your beliefs in them.
Think back over your dating past and try to identify the type of men you repeatedly go fo
Identify a positive mantra that you can use whenever your confidence in yourself dwindles
Thank you for taking the time to stop by today. I hope I shared some good knowledge you can use moving forward and with that being said I want you to embed these words in your heart:
Focus on yourself to the point where a man who doesn't treat you with the same respect simply doesn't seem attractive to you