Updated: Mar 4
I may be Latin, but I’m sure that these are universal spoken words most of us use and somehow expect our man to truly understand what we mean. Ladies, I didn’t invent this list, I do know it is relatable AF, so if you wish to do so, print this and post it on the fridge to avoid having your partner mumble shit that will simply piss us off even more and so that he can finally have a reference guide to 'understanding women'. I also want to point out the fact that most of these sentences carry emotion because they are normally used during an argument or a time where we just don’t know how to say what we really mean—which is not always the case. So with that being said, please cue your man as to when ‘I’m fine’ can be taken literal or he should continue to dig for your real response. (Can you say body language). Here we go 1. Ok, Do what you want! I’m testing you right now, and by no means should you expect to ‘do what you want’. The truth is I want your attention and need you to do what I say instead, because you’re mother is a woman who gave birth to you, and so am I and that automatically makes me wiser and more deserving of having things my way.
2. “I’m Fine”
This is actually the total opposite. It means I’m so pissed that if looks could kill I’d turn you into dust. It can also mean we are annoyed, disappointed or too tired to start an argument that will make great footage for ‘Maury Povich’. Boys, you’ll have to take cues and work it out for yourselves—but it is no “Fine”.
3. I’m almost ready/Just 5 more minutes I don’t know why we lie to you about this! We damn well know we are far from ready but feel that if you hear this it will apeace you instead of making you fucking furious because you already had to put your shoes on and are waiting by the door instead being able to still be on your couch in your comfy basketball shorts. I’ll be ready when I’m ready unless you wish to invest in a glam squad for me every time we have to go out...nope? Well then just relax and wait for perfection. Something you can do to really know when the term 'just 5 more minutes' holds any truth is check when we’re putting on lipstick, then it’s safe to asume you should wait no more than 5-10 minutes (considering we picked out our outfit already). 4. You don’t have to, but... If you don’t do, go or whatever your Chick suggested you to do,you may end up with a condition called Lakanooki (lack of nookie), sleeping with the dog or much worse, SINGLE!
5. "It’s pretty"
I didn’t like it! I don’t want to be rude; I do appreciate the thought—but the thought wasn’t enough this time. Now, if you don’t see me using the ‘pretty gift’ please refer to this cheat-sheet so you can look up the term ‘it’s pretty’. 6. “We’ll talk about this later.”
You better hope the earth can open up and swallow you because I’m feeling violent and I can’t think straight. I need more time to gather ammo and/or think about why we’re still together and can I pay all the bills on my own?!
That means I have no idea how to rebuttal your argument, but I refuse to let you win and I hope we never speak of this again. One more thing—there won’t be any action under the sheets tonight so just go to bed.
8. Does this make me look fat?
Heads up fellas, if I’m asking you if it makes me look fat that means I already have the suspicion that I have no business wearing that striped mini-skirt or the fitted AF bandage dress, but need to hear from you how gorgeous I look and how everything I try on makes you want to rip it right off and I’m the sexiest mama in the planet. This may also feel like a death-trap because if we choose to go out in public wearing this, one of our not-so-kind ever-so-critical-friends that is out with us will make a stupid comment and ruin our night. Here is your key takeaway: We need validation that we look good when we ask this question so be kind.
9. I’m tired
Keep your friend in your pants tonight because I’m just not in the mood. And please do not wake me up in the middle of the night thinking I’ve gotten enough rest, that will just make me even more upset and I’ll put you ‘on a diet’ for longer.
10.What did you say?
Here is the perfect example of what second chances really look like—what ever stupid utterance just escaped your mouth, fix it. You have about 3 seconds to think about how you’re going to rephrase what you just said so that you don’t end up sleeping with the dog tonight.
11. You think she’s hot?
The answer is ‘who? I don’t know who you’re talking about?‘ Once your girl points her out say: “nah, she’s ok, but you’re gorgeous, she doesn’t compare to you” even if she’s talking about Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce—got it!
12.Don’t worry about it!
I’ve only asked you a dozen times to fix my car stereo for the past year and you obviously either can’t find the time to do it, or just don’t have a clue how, so at this point I just want to hire someone to fix my damn stereo #truestory and this is when he finally fixed the damn stereo! So men, know that when she already lets you off the hook she isn’t thinking the best of you and somehow you’ll hear about that time you just didn’t fix whatever she needed you to fix for as long as you stay together.
This is never open for discussion. No means no and means no. It doesn’t mean ‘later’ or ‘I’ll think about it’. It straight up means ‘NO’, and somehow the most straight up answer from this cheat-sheet is the one you continue to get wrong or misunderstand.